I had the weirdest thing happen today.
Something weird happens to me everyday but it's usually a consequence of the social environment around me or my own stupidity in the moment of a situation produced my circumstance or as a product of other things happening around me.
However, this thing today was untriggered, unexpected and unexplainable.
I finally sat down to do some Economics revision after having woken up at 1pm (hadn't slept the night before) and procrastinated around the house. I realised after a bit of passively copying up notes that it was pretty dark and I should go switch the light on.
I got up and got this horrible head rush that I usually get if i get us too quickly after stairing at something for a while - I can't really explain it but everything just starts spinning and my eyes just close automatically to block it out. I pause for a second and it goes.
like always.
So, like always, I stopped next to my light switch and put my head against the wall and it just got worse and worse- the time period here is literally about a second.
Next thing I feel is a million things falling on me but I can't move I feel like ive woken up in an earthquake. It feels surreal, like i'm sleeping.
After a bit -I have no concept of time anymore- I realise im in a lot of pain and open my eyes.
I'm lying on my bedroom floor and the entire shelf that's about a metre high with about 10 open sections that were all stuffed with CDs and glasses and bottles and god knows what, has fallen on top of me.
WHAT THE FUCK?my brother comes in asking what all the noise is about and just laughs and helps me pick the shelf up and put it back where it was and leaves the room when I laugh and tell him it just fell.
I'm shaking and still covered in loads of rubbish, broken glass and general 'stuff'. I have a silver bowl that sits on top of the shelf that had wacked me on the head when it fell down and my ribs hurt because, obviously,
the fucking shelf fell on me. That's the first time in my life that i've passed out.That must be what happened.
When i closed my eyes I blanked out and fell sideways and hit the bottom of the shelf so that it was off balance and only realised what had happened when things started raining on me.
If the shelf hadn't have fallen I reckon I would have been lying there for a long time because even when I felt the pain of things hitting me I didn't, and coudn't, move.
It felt like it was part of my subconcious.
It was crazy and stupid and I sat there shaking having to put everything back into the neat order it had been in before.
CLASSIC:My dad walked in after 5 fucking minutes, probably becuase he was just passing by, to see what had happened.
'Is this how you spend the time that you're ment to be revising? Messing about?... Have you even done any maths this weekend? There's so much to do and I just don't think you can handle it. I don't think you know half the stuff, I think you need to practice it. M1 or M2 which is more important right now? There's some hard stuff in there, stuff you don't know, and it's hard to grasp I
understand that but that's why you should be working hard to understand, you know, like all the other kids, I bet they do loads of practice every day, that's why they're all better than you. But you don't care do you? You have no aspirations for yourseld. You don't want to do well do you? you just want to chat to your friends on the phone all day then go out late. But Tijana, those forces they're difficult you have to thing before you write anything down, see which direction everthing is happening and then exicute it, write it all out properly, dont rush like you always do and make a stupid mistake, I don't think you have the capability to do that, with a lot of practice maybe.................................'
I wasn't listening. He'll come back in 2 hours and say exactly the same thing to me again.
I was sitting in a pile of (some quite sharp) things that had just fallen on top of me when I had FAINTED in my own room after i had been REVISING. So up his I thought.
But I really wanted to tell him what had just happened. I wanted to tell anyone. I wanted to know that I hadn't gone mad. That it did really just happend. I did just pass out, from lack of light? probably from stress.
'Dad, listen, it was so weird! I was writting and it was quite dark so i got up to switch the light on and I got this head rush, you know what I mean right? Like this weird acute pain in your mind and everything started spinning and I get that all the time but it always goes away after a second or two I just have to rest my head so I rested it on the wall and ... and....'
My dad wasn't listening he was sort of standing there with a face of 'what ARE you talking about? more trivial nonsence, im not interested.' I could tell that he just wanted to walk away, he wasn't looking for a conversation, he only wanted to rant at me about his favourite thing in the world, mechanics.
'Dad
i'm traumatised! but if you're not listening then leave. I'm not going to tell you what happend if you don't care.'
And that gave him the excuse to just walk away.So I still hadn't told anyone. I thought i'd write it on here, for memory's sake.
And because no one understands me what i say my dad KNOWS how to make me want to kill myself and that he's horrible and insain and patronising ALL THE TIME.
Maybe they still won't get it. But I thought it was a good example.
